Wandering Out

Reading On Reading Week.

2006-02-26T22:26:00.000-08:00

It’s early, cold, and I have nothing better to do.

I’m sitting on the train, getting ready for my journey back home. Note, that when I say home, I mean the new city and not the old. I’ve been in the old city for the past week, on what is laughingly called my “Spring Break”. By Spring break, I mean sitting at home in the most boring city of my life getting ready for midterms. Honestly! Who actually studies on their holiday? My good times were hampered by the fact that my week off is much early than other universities, and that I have no money. Many of my friends went off to tropical locations, and I have since heard stories of mix drinks and sunny beaches.

It was great seeing my family again; but I had just spent a week with them in the new city, so it would have been nice to do something a little more exciting on my holiday. Nonetheless, I did get some good news while festering away in front of the computer. It seems my friend has finally made his decision: We will be living together next term! I’m so excited by this I can barely put it into words. I’ve spent the last year living with someone I can barely stand, but now I get to look forward to living with my best friend. I was really worried that the next time I saw him he would say “Sorry, it’s cheaper to live with my aunt”. But then I turned on MSN and got an excited “I found us a place for only 800$ a month!”. I think the best part of the whole thing is: as excited as I am to live with him, he is equally as excited to live with me. As him and I sat over MSN looking at apartments I couldn’t get over how giddy he seemed!

As the last semester has progressed, I’ve been amazed at how much our friendship has deepened. We were close before; but now there is this comfort between us that I don’t think I’ve ever felt with another person before. I think we both recognize that the other has been to hell and back in the past, and we know what that’s like. We see so much of ourselves in each other, that it would be hard for us not to get close. I think a big thing for me is also that he is completely at ease around me, and I know it. I feel completely comfortable giving him a hug, or telling him how great he is without is being misconstrued as me making a pass at him. I can say the same for my other straight guys friends. Don’t get me wrong, they are all great and they treat me with such dignity and respect; but at the same time I won’t be giving them a big goofy hug anytime soon. I guess what I’m saying is that there is no need to appear macho in front of each other. We both know who we are, and that there is more to being a man than the tough guy image. I have to say, more credit goes to him than me. I mean, it’s harder for straight guys than it is gay.

Take for instance the dance clubs: a large group of us may go out dancing, and seeing as we are all young sexually active students we often dance in a highly sexual fashion. That’s the nice way of saying we grind the shit out of each other. Usually I find a group of girls and show off on a speaker somewhere “ha ha, look at the gay kid! He’s got more women than all you straight boys”. But when my future roomie comes, I feel just as comfortable dancing with him as I would the girls. My point is this: I don’t have to worry about what people will think when they see me grinding a guy on the dance floor. But as a straight guy, I could see him worrying about what other people think when they see us. But he doesn’t. People on many occasions have asked us if we are a couple (a bit of a kick in the pants, since at one time I had a major crush on him) but he still doesn’t get worked up over it. He knows who he is, and he doesn’t care what anyone else thinks, and that makes him amazing.

Needing A Rest

2006-02-18T22:21:00.000-08:00

I never thought I would say it, but I’m partied out!

This Semester has been great for parties, events and all around good times. I have gotten more stories to tell in the last month, than I ever would have though possible. For instance: A few days ago a few friends and I had what we were calling Bitterfest 2006. Basically, it was a bunch of single people getting together on Valentines Day, bitching about past relationships, and getting hammered. It started as a joke, but the more we discussed it the more it sounded like a blast. The funny thing is, it turned out to be a great idea! As single people across campus heard about Bitterfest, they wanted to join in! We’ve already decided that next year we will turn it into an event, and maybe turn a profit. I was just as shocked as anyone else, when a high ranking member of the stupednt government showed up! Now I’m very involved in campus politics, and I know many of our governing body personally. But I never expected any of them to show up to a part thrown by first years. Anyway, the night progressed and many drinks were consumed. I got talking to Miss Student Government about how I’m planning to get a Tattoo over the summer, but I don’t know where, when or what. When she heard this she declared “ohh, you should get it done at the same place I got my nipples pierced!”.

I think now is a good time to explain that, as great as this girl is, she doesn’t look like the type to stick pieces of metal in her boobs. If you need a mental image, think of any “Best Friend” characters from a cheesy teen movie. She’s cute, lovable, but not the main attraction, and defiantly not the wild one. This is where things get interesting. Seeing the look of shock and wonder on my face, Miss Student Government decided to prove to me that she wasn’t full of shit. So she proceeded to pull her boobs out in the middle of the party. “Very Cool” was my only response when I looked at her twin piercings, when in reality I was thinking “Holy shit! Does anyone see this woman (whom we just elected) waving her tits at me!”. It was an odd, unexpected surprised. But it gave me a new claim to fame! I’m only a first year, and I’ve already seen a student politician in the buff!

There are countless other stories like this one that have come out of the last few weeks. Without getting into too many details, there have been Drag Queens named Pablo, Junkie Ex Marines we met in a restaurant (while drunk) and had to escape later, a large mysterious bruise on my ass that no one remembers me getting, Convincing one of the waitresses serving us to come and party with us after her shift, and grinding girls on a speaker as their boyfriends watched.

But even with all the fun I’ve had, I need to take a major break. If not for my health, then for my wallet! Going out at night is great, but in a big city it’s very costly. And I’ve had too many mornings where I wake up with a sketchy memory of the night before (still can’t figure out the nasty bruise on my ass) which is natures way of telling me to take it slow. Spending some quite sober time with my friends would be a nice change for a bit, and thankfully I think most of them are on the same page as me.

An Interesting Proposal

2006-02-14T22:16:00.000-08:00

Since I’m in residence this year, and don’t plan to be next year, I’ve had to star the mad search for house mates so I can rent a place in second year. Since defiantly don’t want to live with strangers (I’ve had two VERY bad roommates in the last year, so you do the math) I’ve been harassing all my friends on campus to find a roomie for next year. However, most of my friends are upper years or still live at home.

Enter The Crush: who I’m glad to say is now The Former Crush. I still love the guy like you would not believe (the plutonic sense), but I had to stop dreaming and start ignoring the many mixed signals he was giving me. I’ve come to realize they he truly is a great guy, so if I’m not going to be the number one in his life, I would much rather be the number two and have him as my best friend.

Anyway, I was lamenting my failed search for a roommate to The Former Crush, when he turned to me and said “Why don’t we live together next year?” SHOCK AND AWE! He has been living with his aunt this year, so I never considered him as a potential roommate. But it seems his aunt has been driving him nuts, and he has really been looking for a way to get out on his own. The very thought of living wit him makes me happier than you can know! We get along famously, we both have the same personality, and we are both forward being who would rather settle disputes then let things fester. In other words, if one of us is bugging the other we won’t be backwards about telling them. No doubt they will be some bickering, and name calling (we’re mature like that) but in the end we would work out any problems that arise.

The problem stems from the fact that he can’t give me a definite answer. He really wants to live with me next year, but at the same time he can’t ignore the fact that living with his aunt is cheap. I on the other hand, cannot live in residence next year (only 1st years allowed) so I must find a place to live. This is frustrating, because it means I need to keep looking while he weights the pros and cons of the situation. I explained to him that I have a personal deadline, and by spring break I want to finalize who I will be living with so that we can start looking for a place. But I know that after the thought of living with him, everyone else will pale in comparison. Lets hope the housing gods gives me a break for once.

A Very Long Week With The Ones I Love

2006-02-12T22:18:00.000-08:00

Well my family has been down for the week, and its been great. For the most part.

My Mom, Dad, Sister, Brother in law, and Nephew all took the train to the big city to visit me. I love visits where they come here because A: I get to stay in the city, and avoid my old boring home and B: I get to show them things they don’t normally get to see.

I took them to all the huge historical sites (there are many in my city), all the great restaurants in town and all the shopping and specialty shops I could find. On one of our more exciting outings, I took my parents to one of the local gays bars for the Drag show. I was worried it might be awkward, but they wanted to go and I wanted to take them as a way of welcoming them into my world. I was so proud of them! They were totally at ease in the bar, and they really enjoyed the show. They went upstairs in between performance, where it is quite, but insisted that me and my Lady Lesbian stay downstairs and dance. I mean, how lucky am I? Not only to I have two parents who love and accept me, but they’re also willing to embrace the culture which I have become a part of.

But the best part of their visit was that my two best friends spent the week with us, and my parents got to see what fabulous people they are. In turn, The Lady Lesbian and My Former Crush got to see how great my family is! I think the best nights were dinner with my family and the Former Crush (who they adored) and my Nephews Birthday. Before he turned the big #2, Former Crush, Lady Lesbian and myself got together and baked him a big cake which was our gift to him. Then we all went to my families hotel room, and hung out for the night. The Lady Lesbian worked really hard to bond with my nephew (who was playing shy for some reason) and by the end of the night they were best friends. Meanwhile, My Former Crush and my parents were teaming up to make fun of me, which means he is officially a member of the family.

As great as all this was, it was also great to but them back on the train at the end of the week. I love them to death, but good god can they wear on your nerves! First of all, my family hates to plan anything. But since me and my friend live on a students schedueal, we needed to organize the visit so that we could spend time with them and go to class. This means that I had to plan every move they made, because they are to bloody indesciive to do it themselves. For instance

“ok, I have class in ten, where do you want to meet after”

“oh, well I don’t know”

“well what are you going to do?”

“we’re not sure, but we want to do something”

“well if you’re off campus, and I don’t know your plans I can’t find you”

“ohh, well maybe we will go to the mall”

“ok, so I’ll meet you there?”

“maybe, we’ll see how things go”

Make up your fucking minds people! Moving my family for point A to point B was also complicated by the fact that they move as fast as an old woman on valium, and do so in a nice block formation so that they completely obstruct traffic on the sidewalk. Not to mention that my mother and sister were at each others throats about ten minutes after they got off the train, and I had to listen to them both bitch for a week. Like I said, I love when they visit, but I love when they leave as well.

Week of Fun and Exhaustion

2006-02-05T16:57:00.000-08:00

Well its been a while since I've posted, so i thought i should give you an update.

I've been insanely busy this past few weeks (hence the lack of new posts) but thankfully I've been having a good time. Last week i took part in some major events on campus. One is called the winter challenge, in which teams of four compete in different games to win prizes. It a week long, and tonnes of fun. My team had a pirate theme, and so we went to value village the night before competition started and made ridiculous pirate outfits. We looked so stupid! it was great.

I also took part in a 24 hour snow fort building competition; which was one of the most intense things I've ever done. i was on a team with twenty other people from my faculty, of whom two are my best friends. I have never worked so hard in my life! the pile of snow that we were given to work with froze, and so i spent the first six hours hammering at a giant piece of ice. In the end our team won third place, which was pretty good considering none of us had ever done it before. i was actually really proud of our fort. We had no plan whatsoever when we got started, but the end result was very impressive.

After that i took a roadtrip with some friends, and went to a club a few hours away. It was great! the funny part is, i ran into a girl from my old hometown while i was there. I thought i was going crazy, because i could hear someone calling my name as i walked into the bar (i was already very drunk at this point). So i spent the rest of the night dancing, and catching up with her.

Well thats all i've got for now. I'm way to exhausted to get into full details of the last week, but maybe i fill you in more later.

Back in the dumps

2006-01-22T13:12:00.000-08:00

Feeling really down today.

In the last week I've started to doubt my position in the grand scheme of things. I thought that i was part of this great circle of people who valued my friendship as much as i do. But lately I've begun to question if i matter as much to them as they do to me. They all tell me how great i am, and that they love to be around me. But when it comes time for them to show it I'm always left disappointed. Case in point: Last week i threw myself a belated birthday party. Since i turned twenty at home, where there is nothing to do, i figured it would give me a chance to go out with my friends and celebrate. Over twenty people told me they would be coming out, and that they couldn't wait. In the end six people came to pre-drink, and only two came out with me. One of whom had to leave early. So at the end of the night it was just me, and The Lady Lesbian alone in the bar. Now to be fair, my Crush (in his infinite sweetness) took me out dancing earlier that week because he knew he couldn't make it to my actual celebration. Nonetheless, it still hurt that no one else could be bothered; especially after i go to insane lengths for my friends ( i once ran halfway across town just to make sure that the boy my friend liked made it to her birthday party)

And then there was last night. I've been running like mad all week, and i was looking forward to a night in. After i had put on some comfy cloths, and sat down to dinner, my crush called me.

"we're going out and your coming"

"sorry, but I'm about to burn out. i need to stay in tonight."

"Please? Everyone is really excited, they want you to come and it wont be the same if you don't."

"OK, fine, I'll be right over"

So after throwing cloths on my body, and literally scarfing down a meal as i ran across campus, i meet up with them and we went to the bar. Who was in the group you ask? well lets see, two guys who feel horribly awkward around me, a girl who hates me, another who doesn't know me, and my crush. So i felt the entire night feeling as though i was on the outside. I tried really hard to have a good time, and to fit in. But ultimately i was shut out. no one could be bothered to be around me, and my Crush was off chasing some woman. So finally i pulled him aside and said "I'm sorry, but if I'm going to spend the night dancing by myself, I'll do it at the gay bar where i have a chance of meeting someone". And so that's what i did. I left the bar, and spent the rest of the night dancing alone.

So now I'm not sure whats going on. I thought i fit in so well, but now I'm having doubts. I mean, if everything was as perfect as i thought, then why am i still so lonely? But at the same time i know that I'm a very mistrustful person. Maybe I've been burned by so many friends in the past that i just can't believe the people around me are being honest. I thought i was past being miserable, so i really hate I'm feeling this way again.

Just Call Me Chicken Little

2006-01-15T09:33:00.000-08:00

Well I'm back in the big city. Its funny; you hear all about the pollution, but i swear i breath easier here.

I realized when i went home that i can never live there again and be happy. This is nothing against my family; because i would live with them in a heartbeat if the live here. But my old city just feels too....claustrophobic. Even though I'm out now, i don't feel like myself when in the land of my youth. Maybe its too many bad memories or something, but the last week of my vacation was really hard on me. I felt so cut off from the things I've come to love, and i was miserable.

But now I'm back in my home, and busier then ever. I've seen all my friends since getting back, and my amazing straight friend to me out for a night of dancing. Seriously, this guys is the sweetest creature on the face of the earth.

So now for my own personal idiocy. I celebrated my 20th birthday back in my old city, and since it falls on the 31st, and there is nothing to do in my hometown it really sucked. To solve this me and a bunch of people pre-drank, and went out for my belated birthday party last night. We originally went to Suite 34 a straight bar; but as the night drew on and people started going home, The Lady Lesbian and i went to The Edge (A gay bar). Once I've been there a while i spot this guy I've had my eye on in residence. He is really good looking, and i was always sure he was gay. But seeing him there proved it once and for all. I always say hi to him in the hallways, but we've never actually met or hung out.

AHHH I'm such an idiot! we were so close to one another that we were touching as we danced, and do you think i could bring myself to talk to him! i mean for the love of Christ, i can intimidate 6'5 football players, but i can't talk to a 5'6 gay man! why? why am i such a blazing retard? i mean if i can't speak to him when I'm loaded off my ass, the how the hell do i ask him out? You know the crazy old ladies with a million cats? that will be me! i will die alone, and its because i don't have any fucking balls! You have to know that I'm usually not one to doubt myself. I usually rush in head first and sort things out when i get there. That's why my complete and utter spinelessness has thrown me for a loop.

Well that's my rant of frustration. I'm not sure where I'm going to take it from here... but at least i have confirmation.

Where is he?

2006-01-04T23:05:00.000-08:00

Funny how the mind can move from one dilemma to the other. I've managed to come come out to my folks, and now i can only think of one thing. I WANT A BOYFRIEND!

Seriously!Loneliness is killing me, and i really want a man in my life. And the most frustrating part is that i still don't have many options. The Pride center at my university is a hell hole, so i never go there, The gay bars aren't too good if you're looking for more than a one night stand, and i know no other gay men at my school! where the hell are they? i mean, lets face it, I'm a charming guy. If i had some potential dates i could find someone i liked and take it from there. But the fact that i have nowhere to look really sucks.

There is a pride center at the other nearby university, which i plan to go to. But it would be a real pain if i started dating someone from the other side of town. I don't want to take the bus to see my boyfriend! There are also a few boys on campus that I'm interested in; but they get way complicated. There is my friend, whose sexuality i question at times. Seriously, if he were gay, i would fall in love with him. So far the only think keeping that from happening is my inner realist saying "it will never happen". There is a very cute guy in my residence (two floors below me) who I'm sure is gay. But we run with different crowds, and I've never gotten a chance to know him better. To make things even worse, his roommate has started massaging me on Facebook. It kinda came from nowhere, since i have never met him in my life. But he started by saying "we don't know each other, but I've seen you around and you seem fun" i didn't want to be rude, so i wrote him back, and we have been politely chatting about nothing (exams, holidays etc). But in his last message he said "we should hang out when you get back". So what? Is he interested in me? or does he just want a new friend? I'm really not attracted to this guy (Facebook has pictures), and i really don't care to meet him. The only reason i would do it was so i could be around his roommate... that is really shitty, and its beneath me to do something like that.

Maybe I'm just being too picky. But if its going to be my first boyfriend, i want it t be something special. It seems a lot of guys do the "well we're both gay, so i guess we should date" and that's not what i want at all. I want romance! i want a guy who treats me like a million dollars! And the worse part is i want him right now!

I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that i miss my university friends, and I'm ready to go home. I love my family, but when I'm here i have too much time to sit and think of shit like this. Hopefully i can sort it all out when i get back to the city.

Out

2005-12-26T22:36:00.000-08:00

Holy Crap...

It's done. I've actually come out to my parents! I spent the entire day working myself into knots, because i knew today was the day. I was so scared i would chicken out! Finally we sat down to dinner, and i asked them to shut the TV off because there was something we had to discuss. Its about this time that i nearly blacked out.

"there is something we need to discuss. I'm Gay"

Mom
"i know"

Dad
"and?"

"Well i figured you might already know. But it was time to put it in the open."

It seems my parents have both strongly suspected i was gay. Which is no shock to me. My dad knew for sure, because he was using my computer and he read a letter i wrote which began with the words "As a young Gay student". The rest of the night went really well. We discussed a lot of things; not so much about me personally, but about being gay in general. It was really good, and they are really comfortable with it. Their only concerns are the fact that being gay is not the safest. Like i said in past posts, they know the names Tina Brandon and Matthew Shepherd as well as the rest of us. Still, they accept that this is my reality, and the asked me to be safe.

I can't put into words how great i feel now. I'm out. I can move on, and start the rest of my life. Every time i think about it, i get this big stupid grin on my face and i start laughing to myself. If you had asked me during the summer, i never would have guessed that i would be out by December! I'm so lucky for things to have gone this well. First my friends at school, now my parents... i know there are still going to be set backs. But right now its hard to think about them, and i'm not even going to try.

Home

2005-12-22T22:25:00.000-08:00

Well I'm back. its great to see my family again, and nice to lay around and do nothing.

The night before I left, Wales, The Celt, The Lady Lesbian and myself had our Christmas. Basically, we got drunk and exchanged gifts. It was great fun! i got a book of Gay Haiku's, a Superman t-shirt with rainbow tie, and best of all... An orange Ukulele! My friends clearly know how weird my tastes are, and they did a excellent job shopping for me. The night did have a sad tone however, since it was the last time the welsh and i would see each other for a long time. After the night was done, i walked her to her room, and we said our goodbyes. Its going to be so weird going back to residence, and having her not be there. I'm sure i will knock on the door more than once and expect her to be there. Still, she is planning to come back to Canada and visit us when she can; and i hope to go to the UK one day, so I'm sure we will meet again.

Arriving home was great. My mom, sister, and nephew were waiting for me at the train station. God it was good to see them. My Nephew still remembers me, and he never acted strange. That was such a relief since i was afraid he would forget me. Since then I've just been hanging around the house, taking things slow. It so nice not to have twenty things to worry about.

Just before sitting down to the computer i found a note from The Lady Lesbian as i finished unpacking my bag. It had her home phone number, and the words I Love You. Lately a lot of people have been telling me that; and the best part is i believe them. For the first time in a long time, i feel as though i am surrounded by people who love me, and that is such an amazing change from the loneliness and isolation I've gone through in the past few years.

I'm not freaked out about telling my folks yet. I though maybe i would get nervous as soon as i saw them, but that hasn't happened. I am however realizing that its not going to be as easy as i led myself to believe after the epiphany. I still believe that they will accept me, and love me. But the actual "telling" is going to be hard. I'm not sure how they will react, and boxing day approaches fast. I'm scared i will chicken out, but i also know how much i would torment myself if i went back to school still in the closet. Not to mention the fact that i want to show my folks the amazing life i have when they come to visit me in february, and i can't do that if I'm lying to them.

Ten Second Update

2005-12-15T16:13:00.000-08:00

Well there is not much new here. I'm in the middle of exams, so i don't really get to do much except study. Its a really crazy time right now, because i have exams to prep for, Christmas shopping to do and a pile of other shit that seems to be adding up.

The one good to come out of this is that i am so distracted, the 20th (the day i go home) is just hurdling towards me. I'm really excited to see my family again, but then i remind myself that with Christmas vacation comes "The Talk" with my family. Holy shit! when i had the epiphany to tell them, i didn't realize that day would come so soon! I'm still set on doing it, but i think I'm going to be a basket case. And since I'm leaving it until after the holiday, that means i have five days of waiting! But I've said it before, and I'll say it again: 19 years in the closet will teach you patience.

Wales will be going home soon, and that is quite sad. That girl is like a sister to me, and with her gone i will have no one to drool over hot guys with. Its going to be so odd living in residence without her here. On the 19th we are having a big goodbye bash. I hate the train ride home, so i'm hoping to be exhausted or still drunk when i get on board.

On the plus side, i got a new hair cut that i absolutely adore! I've had rather long hair for some time, and it was beginning to piss me off. So i went to my nearest gay stylist, and told him "Do whatever you want, just make it look good!" and that's exactly what he did. Its not too long, but not too short. So I'm happy here in the middle. Tomorrow will be my first day styling it by myself, and I'm a little worried. If being gay is genetic, then my hair styling and interior decor genes are recessive.

Anyway, that's all for now. Just a quick update. I will try to keep you posted as events unfold.

One Drunk, Two Drunk, Red Drunk, Blue Drunk.

2005-12-04T11:35:00.000-08:00

Well the weekend has come and gone again, and just like every other university residence on the planet, mine was party central.

So we go through our weekly tradition. Friday everyone is celebrating, pre drinking and going out. The mood is great, and everyone has a good time. By Saturday some of the weaker ones have been weeded out by the night before. In other words, they are hung over and swearing never to drink again. For those of us who were raised of liquor, Saturday night is another great night to party. By Sunday everyone is locked away in their rooms, and the halls are a desolate wasteland.

The only downer in a weekend such as this is dealing with annoying drunks. Now I’m not saying that all drunks are annoying, or that I’m against getting drunk. Far from it! Most drunk people are loads of fun, and I occasionally like to count myself among them. What I’m talking about are the few, the proud, the retarded. Those who think drinking is a sport, and who suck at playing it. If drunkenness was a school, these people would ride the short bus. You know them as well as I do… so lets have a look.

The “I’m So Drunk” Girl
We all know her! This is the girl who comes up with such brilliant phrases as “I’m so drunk, I think I can fly!” or “I’m soooo drunk, I think I’m going to dance on the bar”. The problem here is they always mix “I’m so drunk” with “I think”. No honey, you don’t think. You just spout off whatever nonsensical bullshit that comes into your head.

PS- we all know you’ve been milking the same wine cooler all night, so quite being a poser.

The “I Got So Wasted” Guy
Counter part to the “I’m so drunk” girl. This guy arrives the morning after, and feels the need to tell you how drunk he got he got last night. And no matter what happened, last night was “The best night ever!” This idiodic form of self boasting is, however, a cover for your own stupidity. I find the truth lies in one of three senerios.

A) You are such a light weight, that you got hammered before making it to the bar and
now have to invent “the best night ever”

B) You made it to the bar, acted like a complete shit head and now you need an excuse.

C) You didn’t even drink last night. You sat at home playing Dungeons and Dragons, and
now you need to hide the fact that you’re pathetic, and explain the picture of you dressed
as a wizard.

The Asshole
My personal favorite. Why? Watching this guy run around the bar starting shit; then seeing him get his ass whooped by a five foot foreign exchange student provides me with amazing entertainment. True story by the way.

The Friend
“Oh my god… You have elbows!? So do I! we should hang out some time!”. Enough said.

Casanova
My second favorite. Watching this guy hit on everything that moves, and get shot down every time is better than watching prime time TV.

This is just a taste of what we all put up with. But thank the lord, it’s balanced out by the other drunks we know and love. For example, the lovable drunk. The one who gives you a hug and tells you how great you are; who doesn’t like that adorable lush?

And if anyone reading this sees themselves on the list, then here is my message to you. Chill! You have nothing to prove, and we all just want to have a good time. So settle down, and try really hard not to make a fool of yourself.

*Note* If there are other notable drunk you would like to add, please tells us in the comment box.

So Very Lucky

2005-11-28T11:44:00.000-08:00

In the last few days I've gotten constant reminders of how lucky i am.

Last night i was speaking to my mom on the phone. She was telling me about how much she loved seeing Rent in the theater. For those of you who don't know, Rent is a rock musical about a group of friends living in new york city. They are all artists, half of them are gay and half are dieing of aids. Its truly amazing, and my family and i love it. Anyway, i was talking to my mom about it and she said

"You know, so many people should see that film for so many reasons"

"why is that?"

"it had such a real portrayal of gay men and women. I mean, you knew the characters were gay; but that's not all they were. they were not 'The Gay Characters' you know? they were other things, and the other thing were more important. they were people first."

"i know exactly what you mean. They did a good job of it"

"yeah, like i said, people should see that and learn"

so she reinforced something I've always known about my parents. They are amazing. I'm taking it as yet another sign that its time for my family to know. Now today i had yet another great moment. I was sitting next to a friend of mine (the one i had a major crush on) playing Nintendo. We were talking about another friend of mine who's been feeling down lately, and how i spent the night sitting with her. Then he turned to me:

"you are such a good friend. That's why I'm glad i got to know you; you're such a good person, and a great friend. It may sound horrible, but if i don't see my old friends from back home again, i wouldn't be that upset. But if i never saw you, or the other people i've met here, i would be really upset"

Holy crap i nearly cried. i told him that i felt the same way, and that i was really glad we got to know each other. So like i said, I'm feeling great lately, and I'm realizing how lucky i am. So i thought i would share that with you, since it seems like i only write to say how crappy things are.

Epiphany

2005-11-24T21:10:00.000-08:00

Its amazing how one restless night can change a year of planning.

It was just after i had posted my last message, ranting about my roommate, that i was finally able crawl into to bed and sleep. Now i know when we go to sleep we are supposed to close our eyes and clear our minds. But every night when i retire to my slumber, my mind races like crazy. I do some of my best thinking in the minutes/hours before i fall asleep, and so I'm used to this nightly ritual. But last night my mind somehow made a huge decision without even telling me.

When you go home in winter, you are going to tell them you're gay.

The thought came from nowhere! it wasn't even a thought, it was a decision! As soon as the idea hit my mind a i began to feel anxious, as though i was somehow being forced into this major change of course. As most of my readers will know, I've been planning to tell my family next summer when i have time to deal with the fallout. So coming out once and for all in less than a month is a huge switch in thinking!

as i mulled this over in my head, i realized that it actually seemed the perfect time. Things are going so well here in the new city; I'm finally being myself, my friends accept and love me, I'm comfortable with who i am, and I'm happier than I've ever been. I want my parents to know these things! I've found a new life, and i desperately want them to be a part of it. But the only way to do that is to bring them in. And besides, my family are wonderful, accepting people. Its not fair that everyone here knows something about me that they don't.

another major factor is the fact that my family will be coming to visit me in February. Originally i was going to tell my friend to keep things under wraps while the folks were here. What an awful thing for me to do! I'm so fucking lucky to have amazing friends who accept me for who i am, how could i ask them to lie about it? My parents should now how great my friends are, and i want my folks to see how lucky i am. I mean if they are going to be worried about who people treat me, why not show them the incredible people i surround myself with? By the same token, i know my parents are going to love and accept me as they always have. I want my friends to see what amazing people they are.

This is why i have to tell them. Why i have to finally, once and for all, free myself from the closet. To be free, completely free and open, that's something worth doing! The craziest part is that I'm actually excited about it. I'm almost busting at the seams to get it done, and move on.

I've decided to tell them after Christmas, so that the holiday isn't full of drama. But waiting the five days between the time i get home, and the time i tell them will be agony. but after 19 years, whats another couple of days?

Roomate Sound Off

2005-11-24T02:29:00.000-08:00

I’m sitting here in my room. Its 2:00am, and my roommates retarded friends are still here. I have a question for all those who are attending, of have attended university. Do you ever look at other students and wonder “how the fuck did you make it here?” because I ask that every time his friends are here.

Seriously, if I were an anthropologist I would have so much material for study. I’m not sure these people can make fire, little lone write an academic essay. For you reading pleasure, I am going to break them all down using my powers of scientific analysis. Please note that I never bother to learn these peoples names, so I will be calling them by the nicknames I have assigned them.

Dumb as Toast:
A very interesting specimen. This girl is so mind numbingly stupid, that I actually want to butter the side of her head. My friends and I have decided that when D.A.T sleeps she must insert a little vacuum into her mouth (like in the dentist chair) to siphon drool, and thus stave off drowning for another night. It’s a wonder to me that she hasn’t just dropped dead because she forgot how to breathe. The worst part is that my roommate has tried desperately in the past to nail her. Maybe it’s because he knows that bouncing her skull off the headboard can’t possibly cause any more damage. I tried to have an intelligent conversation with her the other day, but I realized that not only would I have to shut my brain off to do so; I would also have to lobotomize myself with a coat hanger.

Receding Hairline:
This young man has taught me that not all cavemen were hairy. They were, however, butt ugly. His unattractiveness is complicated by the fact the he thinks he is god’s gift to women, and that he is louder than Foghorn Leghorn. I have been in the ground floor stairwell, and heard this guy talking in the 6th floor lounge! If you are going to be loud at least have something good to say. My definition of good? Smart, funny, witty, ect. Unfortunately he is none of these things. I can literally feel my brain cells jumping ship every time this guy talks. And to make matters worse, he sees himself as something of a “Gangsta”. Keeping in mind that this guy is whiter than a sheet of paper in a snow storm, he would make full blow wiggers shake their heads. I have heard him utter such phrases as “you so fly”, “I wusn’t gonna pay five backs!” and the tried and true “I’ll bust a cap in yo ass”. Seriously, I’m blacker than this guy, and I’m a 5’6 queer white boy.

The Roommate:
Where to start? My roommate is actually a nice guy, and as far as I can tell he is relatively smart. He does, however, have the unique ability to shut off his brain when his friends are around. However he provides me countless hours of entertainment as I watch him bumble his way through life. Exhibit A: Roomie sees himself as a party animal. In fact, think it’s a matter of pride for him. Which is why it pleases me so much when his quiet unassuming roommate (me) goes out more often, and comes in later than he does. He has actually said to me “you always come in later than me! Why is that?”. The answer is, my poor co-habitant, that I don’t go out to prove myself. I go out with friends, meet strangers and have a good time; as opposed to getting completely tanked at 1:00am and passing out in front of our door. Exhibit B: Roomie is trying to prove himself as a gangsta. This means wearing ridiculous clothing, and listening to Eminem constantly. First of all, if you are trying to be black, why do you surround yourself with the only successful white rapper? Why not branch out a listen to some of the other rappers out there, who know, the ones with talent? Black culture is an amazing thing, and I applaud anyone who wishes to immerse themselves in it. But for the love of god, there is more to it than just rap music! And honey, trying to be something you’re not is just sad. Exhibit C: Roomie can’t get laid. Now I know that after reading the aforementioned exhibits this may not seem surprising. But in reality my roommate is a rather charming fellow, and not too bad on the eyes. The trouble is that he is clueless. And I wont lie, it gives me a great deal of pleasure to know that I could pick up so many more women than he; if I were inclined to do so. I listen to him and his friends strategize about how they will pickup every night before the go out. And every night I come home and Roomie is in bed alone. It’s really very simple, first off cut the bull shit. Have you ever seen American Pie, and laughed at how pathetic those guys are? Well that’s you my friend. Don’t try so hard, use your charm, and don’t pick up chicks with your friends who should, by all means, be beating each other with clubs. Oh, and you may think dancing is gay, but I have grinded with more woman on a dance floor than you can possible imagine.

So there you have it! This is the merry band of apes that I am subjected to on a daily basis. However, I rely heavily on the fact that I am rarely home, and seldom have to face them. And besides, they do provide me with hours of free entertainment. In fact, I think I’ll keep them.

NOTE:
If all of that doesn’t seem bad enough, consider this; I have been sitting in front of them for a half hour typing about how dumb they are. Not one of them has noticed.

A Down Day

2005-11-16T01:37:00.000-08:00

Its a little odd. I have tons of friends, who i love. I live in a city of about 2 million people, in a residence of 500, with one roommate who lives two feet away. So can you believe that my big problem lately has been loneliness!

I think maybe its because in the last few months I've gotten everything I've wanted for the last three years. I've tons of friends, I'm finally at university, and I'm out for the first time ever. But now I'm realizing that there's still something missing. It doesn't help that i have yet another schoolgirl crush, and i feel so fucking stupid about it. I've prided myself for so long about the fact that i never get emotional. I never freak out, and i don't bawl my eyes out every time life turns to shit. Which in the past was a lot. So now it drives me nuts that every five fucking seconds i have a crush on some guy i know. Its idiotic, and it hurts me.

And the worst part is, what if its not just a crush? what if i fall head over heels for this guy? it took me a full year to get over my last love, and their are days I'm still not sure i will ever be over him. And once again its one of my close friends, so its not like i can just quite seeing him.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the problem is. Do i have a crush on him because I'm lonely, or am i lonely because i have a crush? Believe me, if he were available i would make a move. But unfortunately this is not the case. So i guess i will go on the way i have been, and see how things turn out. I got over The Celt quickly, because i realized he would drive me nuts if we dated (i still love him, but as a friend). So hopefully i will get over this guy in the same way. Or better still, find someone who is available and who I'm interested in.

Music, Beer, And Deep Dark sexiness

2005-11-09T08:47:00.000-08:00

Wow did I have a good time last night!

No I didn't go clubbing till two in the morning. No I didn't go to an all night rave in the middle of nowhere, and no I didn't go to the kegger to end all keggers. What I did instead was spend the night in a small cafe with a very good friend listening to a blues band.

Since I've gotten to the new city I've done some amazing things. But so far I haven't gotten many chances to enjoy local culture. As an art and music freak, this has been killing me! So the other day I was lamenting to this friend of mine (who, like The Celt, is an amazing straight guy) and he said he was having the same problem. And so we decided to rectify the situation. Blues night at the on campus cafe was a must.

Once I got into that little cafe I realized I was home again. I've grown up around music, so theaters and cramped jazz cafes are as familiar to me as any house I've ever lived in. And thank the sweet lord, the band playing was extremely good! It didn't hurt that the singer was gorgeous either. He was tall, black hair and the sexiest voice I've ever heard! Needless to say, having front row seats made me very happy. Even my friend though he was good looking. This is why he is a cool straight guy, because he is secure enough in himself to say other guys are good looking.

Now I'm not normally a beer drinker. In fact I usually never touch the stuff. But my friend wanted to buy a pitcher for us to share, and how could I turn him down when he was being such a sweetheart? I've learned I can tolerate the taste, which is good because beer is cheap.

Especially since we walked out at the end of the night, and realized that neither of us had paid the tab.

New Perspective

2005-10-31T23:59:00.000-08:00

Its been a very emotional day for everyone it seems.

Last night a very good friend of mine was dumped by his girlfriend. He was extremely upset, and understandably so. He is a great guy so it it was horrible to see him down. But still we managed to have a good time today, and i think he will be OK.

Later on in the evening i got a call from my lesbian companion. Although she has tons of friends who love her, and a great family, she still longs to be in a relationship. I know exactly what shes going through, since i still find myself lonely. So i went and spent some time with her, and convinced her to come with me to see Wales and The Celt who were boozing it up to celebrate the end of midterms.

By the time we got there, both Wales and The Celt had had quite a bit to drink. So my companion and i had a few drinks and laughed at the others drunkeness. Eventually my Companion and The Celt went for a walk, leaving me and Wales alone in my room. He were talking and laughing when she suddenly looked as though a truck had hit her. She leaned against me, and when i asked her what was wrong all she said was " i miss him so much".

You see, Wales father died a year ago of lung cancer. I know it still haunts her, and understandably so. But when she gets upset about things she tends to hid herself away. So this was the first time i heard her speak her true feelings. The pain i heard in her voice was enough to make me weep. I watched my friend as she sat in disbelief that her father had been gone a year and my heart shattered. After that, she asked me to take her to her room. Knowing that she prefers to be alone in times like these, i told her that i loved her and that i would always be there if she decided she needed me. And with that i closed her door, and reached such a profound realization.

It sucks if your girlfriend dumps you; that's hard for anyone to get through. Being alone is one of the worse thing in the world, and i hope everyone can find love. But above all, try to be thankful for the things you still have. I have friends to share my life with. I have a life that isn't perfect, but is getting better everyday. And most of all i have a family that loves me as much as i love them. Now i think i'll go call them and tell them that.

And to my friend:
Right now you are in a place that i can't even fathom, and hope i never do. But always try to remember two things: I will always be there for you, and you are stronger than you know. I love you.

Hallowasted

2005-10-30T13:33:00.000-08:00

There are many reasons why Halloween is my favorite holiday. You about to hear some of them.

Let me start by saying that my trip home was great! It was so good to see my family again, especially my nephew. I love that kid so much, I was afraid he would forget me. I know I promised I would right, but what can I say? Four days is not a lot of time to visit, and I was out late every night. It seems that I'm no following the normal pattern for university students. I'm not homesick at all. I miss my family, and I love to see them; but I have spent absolutely no time wishing I was home. I guess its because I see the new city as my home, and so I always feel comfortable. With that in mind, people keep asking me if it was weird to be back in the old city. But it wasn't! I spent 19 years of my life there, why would it be weird?

The last night was a hard one, but not because I was leaving. You see I had tinkered with the idea of coming out to my folks during the visit. Since things are going so well at school I though maybe I should get it over with. I was out driving with my mom, and we got talking about another member of my family who we suspect is gay. His mother disowned him, and my mom was going on and on about how ridiculous that was. It was so good to hear her say that! My mind kept say "tell her, tell her now". But I didn't. I didn't think it was fair to dump that on them and the leave. Better to tell them this summer, and then spend some time with the while it sinks in.

The next morning I was glad I didn't tell them. You see, this Halloween I dressed up as Dr. Frank-N-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. If you don't know the movie, think fishnets a corset and heels. I didn't know this at the time, but my parents were freaking out because I was walking to the bar dressed like that. They were terrified that I was going to be beaten, or worse. I assured them that I was walking with a dozen people, but they were still very upset.

This will be the hurdle I overcome when I come out. My parent are amazing people, and they will have no problems with me being gay. But they are not stupid people either. They know the names Matthew Shepherd and Brandon Tina as well as I do. Because of my sexuality, I will always have to deal with a world full of people who hate and fear me. That's a hard pill to swallow, especially for a parent.

Nonetheless Halloween went off without a hitch. I went out on Friday night, since Monday is obviously a school day. The walk to and from the bar was fine, and I got a great deal of attention from people on the street. Frank-N-Furter was a huge hit at the party! All of my friend thought it was great, and I don't think I have had that much fun in a while. The reason I dressed in such an outrageous costume is because its very freeing. If I take myself to seriously all the time I would never enjoy anything, and so I often let myself go. Well that's what Halloween was all about. I danced like crazy with complete strangers, and got Hallowasted. I also had a gorgeous straight friend grind me, and I wont lie....It was nice.

Cinderella was denied entrance to the ball

2005-10-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

I'm beginning to think that the gay gods (those big pink Liberaces in the sky) are conspiring against me.

a friend and I were supposed to attend a rather large Gala this past Saturday. It was for the first ant-discrimination scholarship in Canada. Although the scholarship is for people who fight any kind of discrimination, its has an emphasis on GLBT youth. It was going to be huge! Drag queens, entertainers, politicians (Jack Layton) and all kinds of things. We've been planning it for months. I scrimped and saved for a pinstripe jacket, and she bought a pinstripe suit to match.

Finally the big night come... And we are turned away at the door. It seems that the scholarship party for youth, is off limits to youths. That is to say, we had to be 19 to get in. Not a problem for me, since I'm approaching the big two zero. But my lady friend is only 18, as is the Celt who also came along (I had assembled a large group of people to go, since the money went to a good cause). My problems with this situation are four fold.

1) it said nowhere on the tickets, or the posters that you had to be 19 to get in.

2) It's a benefit for gay youth, and gay youth can't get in.

3) its an anti-discrimination event, and my friend was in essence discriminated against because of her age.

4) the event was supposed to promote gay/straight unity and the Celt, who is the most accepting and tolerant straight guy out there, was turned away.

So the night was a huge disappointment, which seems to follow a long line of disappointments in that arena. Like I've told you before, I'm making great progress here at school. im out to most people, and for the first time I feel like I'm being true to myself. But asides from my female friend who I mentioned above, I know no other gay people here at school. I've been to the pride office, but it seems They always plan their events when I have class. In fact there are going to be a bunch of events this week, but I'm going home for a week! I'm so grateful to have at least one gay friend here, so that I have someone like me that I can talk to. But it would be nice to feel like part of a community, and so far that hasn't happened.

On the plus side, I am going home for a bit. It will be great to see my folks, sister, nephew and brother-in-law again. I haven't realty been homesick, but I do miss seeing them. And as an added plus, my friend who is studying in America will be home as well! I have a feeling its going to be odd being home again, in such a small city. The truth is, I've come to see this place as my home, and I wonder if I will get homesick when I leave.

I should have lots of time on my hands when I get there, so I'll make a point of writing to fill you in.

A Note to My Readers... Both of You

2005-10-13T21:34:00.000-07:00

You may have noticed that I write this Blog from a point of anonymity. I would like to make it clear that I'm not doing this to hide myself. I'm completely open about my homosexuality here at school, and if anyone from my home town read this they would no at once it was me. I choose to remain anonymous because I feel it make it easier for me to share me experiences with you. I can open up about things that I won't even tell my friends, because I have no fear that it will be used against me. There is also the matter of my personal privacy.

The reason I bring this up is because I know have to people in my life who I am very close to. We are terrific friends, and because of this I'm sure I will refer to them often. However, I also owe them the same privacy I expect for myself. This means I cannot refer to them by name. And since it would be incredibly tedious for you to read "first my friend said this, then my other friend said than... So I told my friend that my other friend though my friend should.."

that's a lot of friends; even for me. So I have decided to refer to them by nicknames. The Celt, and Wales. Wales is my female friend who majors in history and English... suprisingly enough she is from Wales(I never said they would be clever nicknames). The Celt is my male friend who is majoring in medieval studies, with a focus on The Celtic.

Hopefully this will make my postings clear. Feel free to comment if there is any confusion.

Walking a Thin Bi Line

2005-10-13T21:18:00.000-07:00

Why do I do it to myself?

First I fall in love with the ghost (if you are confused about this, read my old posts) and now I'm putting myself in yet another bad position. Every gay person in the world knows the cardinal rule: Don't Fall For Straight People. Well I have taken that rule, and warped it into some form of Drama that only I could muster.

Are you ready for this? Me, Wales and The Celt have become extremely close. We spend most of our time together, we constantly finish each other sentences and are always in hysterics. A few weeks ago, as I pondered the boyfriend equation, I noticed that The Celt is rather cute. I'm not blind, I knew he was good looking from the get go, but in recent weeks I've found myself increasingly attracted to him. Not to meantime the fact that is incredibly sweet. He makes every "good guy" in the movies look like a chump. For example: I couldn't afford to go home for thanksgiving. Not a big deal for me, since my family is not that big on holidays. And since Wales can't go home, she and I hung out for the weekend. Nonetheless, The Celt made a point of bringing me and Wales turkey from his family dinner. It was so thoughtful, I nearly died.

Things are further complicated by the fact that he has a girlfriend. One the he loves, and I hate. Not because I'm jealous, but because she treats my incredibly sweet friend like shit. She knows that he would do anything for her, and uses that to her advantage. And to add insult to injury, she is a devout Christian and won't have sex with him until they're married. At least once a week she makes some kind of drama, which sends The Celt into major depression because he is afraid he has ruined the relationship.

I know what you are thinking. "you have broken the cardinal rule my friend." but the plot thickens...

The night I told The Celt and Wales that I was gay, The Celt told us that before he began dating his girlfriend, he had considered the possibility that he was Bisexual. Furthermore, every time he and his girlfriend have a fight he lets his "I'm so in love" shield down, and speaks a little more honestly. I get the impression he's not as devoted as he lets on. He is well aware of the fact that she never considers his feelings, and that he is always the one to fix things. Also (I had to get him drunk to hear this) the no sex thing is killing him.

So what does this mean for me? Not a damn thing. I'm not some dreamy eyed princess, waiting for The Celt to dump his girl and come to me. Odds are that will never happen. And if he did decide to loose his bitch and explore his sexuality, I would be hesitant to be the first boyfriend. Falling for him and then hearing "turns out I'm straight" would kill me, and I've died once already. This whole thing would be much easier if I knew he was completely straight. I could say to myself that I would never happen and move on. But his rocky relationship, and budding Bisexuality makes it a hard crush to get over.

I think partly this is all a symptom of a greater problem. Despite all of my new friends I am still quite lonely. I'm still aching for my other half, and I envy anyone who has found theirs. I doubt The Celt is the one... But its nice to dream.

The Boyfriend Equation

2005-10-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

Since I am out to a number of people now, I am constantly getting the age old question. Do you have a boyfriend?

This had left me in something of a quandary. You see I didn't expect things to happen so fast. That is, I didn't expect to be put to all of my friends, and excepted within the first month. So I never considered looking for mister right. Looking for Mr. Right was not an option back home, since I couldn't risk being outed. But now I am free as a bird to explore my options. This is where it gets interesting.

As I explained above, looking for a boyfriend was never an option until now. But since I have always known that I'm gay, I never bothered to date women either. I figured it wasn't fair to them, and it was pointless for me. I know that lots of guys do it in order to hide themselves, but I would never go that far to stay in the closet. This means that I am completely new to the dating scene, I have never kissed another person, and sex is none existent. Its not that I'm afraid to go for it, I've just never had the opportunity.

So many more questions flood my mind. Should I actively look for someone? Should I go and ask someone out? You always hear about people who just randomly meet, and then start dating. Is that what I should wait for?

Asking people out is scary for one big reason, ask the wrong guy out on a date and he beats the shit out of you. Still, I look at couples on campus and I realize there is still a big part of my life missing. I want someone I can confide in, and be intimate with. Not just sex, but having someone I can hold whenever I want.

so as you can see, I have lots to think about. But I have waited this long, I can wait longer. Living in the closet for so long teaches you patience.

Panic mode!

2005-09-28T17:57:00.000-07:00

Mid-Terms are quickly approaching, and I'm starting to shit by drawers.

Seriously, I feel like I'm learning a lot in my classes, but I'm still not sure I'm ready. In the next coming week I plan to go into maximum overdrive, and get some serious work done. If not I may be shipping off to hicksville, after the university gives me the boot. My friends tell me I'm paranoid, but I seriously cannot afford to fail. Pumping gas back home is not an option for me! In order to stay in a city that actually has a pulse, I need to have a well paying job. And how do we get one of those? That's right, education (stay in school kids).

So now that I have had my weekly rant, I will fill you in on the weeks events. Not much has happened here, asides from class and hangin around the rez. With little to no money in my pocket, I don't have many options for entertainment. But still, me and my new friends have a blast. Over the last few weeks we have formed quite the Trio, and I'm glad to say the they don't molest each other on my bed. And as an added plus, they are now fully aware of my sexuality.

No, I didn't pull them aside for "the talk". It was one of those rare occurrences when the perfect moment presented itself. We were sitting in a restaurant late at night, and the subject changed to gaydar. My friend told us that he though he had excellent gaydar which, being the sadistic prick that I am, made me want to put him on the spot.

"ok my friend, lets see how good you are. Am I gay or straight"

(friends face hits floor.)

"Well now I don't know what to think!"

"what did you think before?"

"if I tell you will think I'm an ass. Either you're straight and I insult you, or you are gay and I make it seem like it was obvious"

"You can relax, I'm gay"

You see my friend is a great guy. He is incredibly kind, and sweet, so I have no doubt that this was surprising to him only because he had never given the matter thought. He was such a great guy when he met me, that he liked me because of who I am, not what I am. I was truly touched. On top of that he made a point of telling me that it didn't matter, and that I was still his friend. The best part was, I could tell he was completely sincere. The female portion of our triad told me that she new all along, but it simply didn't matter to her.

You can imagine how great I felt after all this. I'm starting to creep further and further from the closet, and I'm now sure that someday soon I will slam the door forever. During frosh week I met a wonderful young lady, who is also gay. When we saw each other it was like kismet*... We just new that in some way we were the same. We have since hit it off, and I have my first gay friend on campus. Yesterday we found the campus Pride center, and it was like coming home. Right now I can't really take part because of conflict with my classes, but its nice to know it's there.

I am very happy, and more at peace with myself than I have ever been. Now if I do well on my midterms, I will be on cloud nine.

*Kismet- Fate, Fortune. Also used to convey a deep spiritual bond.

Friends 2.0

2005-09-21T08:11:00.000-07:00

Hello again! Did you think I had forgotten you?

Things are going exceptionally well here at university. My classes are all interesting, my volunteer work is fun, and I still have a large posse of friends. What more could I ask for?

Life in residence is great! I don't know what so many people are bitching about when they say rez sucks, because I love it here. My roommate is very easygoing, and incredibly social. He's a jock, so that could get interesting if he puts two and two together about my sexual orientation. I'm not hiding myself from him, but I'm not going out of my way to tell him I'm gay. He may already know!

Everyone else on the floor is really cool. Me and the girl from Wales have become close friends, along with a guy from the floor above us. The three of us have really hit it off. We spent the entire weekend together (including a very drunken Saturday night) and we are already planning Halloween together. These are the first two people I've met here, that I could see myself being friends with for years. However that could be difficult since Wales is going back home at the end of the semester. Still I think we are only going to get closer, and she is already talking about returning to Canada for her masters degree.

My affinity for my two new friends has put me in an interesting situation however. These are the only two people I'm actually nervous about coming out to. I'm sure they wouldn't condemn me, but what if things got weird? I've already drifted away from another couple I was friends with, and I don't want the same to happen here. Now to be fair, the other two people put me in a completely different situation. You see, we were insanely close during frosh week. So close in fact, they people constantly asked us what High School we had gone to together, because they were sure we had know each other for years. The truth was that we had known each other for three days. So on the fourth day the three of us were hanging around the university center, when they turned to me and said "oh yeah, we've decided were a couple now."

As soon as those horrible hetero words were spoken, I knew I was in for a bumpy ride. And sure enough, I was. You see, hooking up is not a bad thing. I would kill for a boyfriend, so I was glad that they had each other. But they are the cutest couple it has ever been my misfortune to know. They are constantly whispering to each other, giggling about stupid shit, and I swear on my mothers name they had a "no! You are cuter" fight the other day. Make me barf!

On top of all this cuteness, they are also very inappropriate in public. I have no problem with public displays of affection (or PDA's), but squeezing you girlfriend tit while you're at lunch with friends (more than just me) is going way too far.

Now to add insult to injury.

I decided, being the little pink diplomat that I am, to have them over to the residence and give them a fighting chance. After all, I had dealt with straight cuteness before and it usually fades. But this time was different. My friends stopped by, told me how much they missed me (it had been a few days since we saw each other) and then preceded to grope each other....On my bed. As you can no doubt guess, I was pissed. I sat on my computer chatting, while the two people who were "dieing to see me" ignored me completely. After an hour, they caught on to the fact that I was pissed, and had on of those brilliant straight couple ideas. "I know, lets find a girl for our friend!"

Can you guess how many things are wrong with that sentence? They made it sound like its the worst thing in the world to be single. It was so piteous sounding that I wanted to beat them with a bat. Basically they were saying "ohh, let get our pathetic friend a date so that we don't feel so bad about being cunts around him, and making him a third wheel". And the other little problem... I'M A FUCKING FAG YOU IDIOTS! Did the theater obsession, debate over the hotness of male guides, and shoe obsession not clue you in!

So I told them, and they were all "that's cool...Hey my cousin is gay". So before they could fix me up with gay cousin, I went down the hall to Wales room and asked her to save me. She returned in three minutes, and asked me to take her to the market.

Now that's a friend.

The good, the bad, and Hannibal Lecter

2005-09-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

Oh wow, how things have changed!

I am out to a great number of people now. Words cannot express how amazing it feels to just be who I am, and talk freely about myself. Everyone has been rather good about it, and I don't think they're just pretending to be. One guy has honest with me, and told me that was not 100% comfortable around gay people. But he still talks to me, and even if he didn't I wouldn't care.

To top it off, I met this amazing girl who is also gay. I can relate so much to her, and we have these amazing talks! I just cannot get over how great I feel about things. We were kind of joking around, since we are both in the Psych faculty, that we would start a clinic for gay youth. But when I think about it, it's really a great idea. I hope to take part in some of the gay events on campus soon. Me and my lady Lesbian are planning to go together, but it depends on our schedules.

now for the bad. I had to move out of my apartment, and into a residence. When I arrived at my apartment a week and a half ago, I decided I would make the best of it. But in the middle of frosh week, when I was starved, hung over and exhausted I realized that it was a shit hole. The place was a mess (it took me and my mom five hours to clean the bathroom) the neighbor hood was a ghetto, and my roommate was fucking nuts! I mean, I've met some strange people, but this buy creeped the shit out of me. I gave him the nickname Hannibal, until I almost called him that his face.

So I went to the housing office and told them the situation. They basically told me to get the hell out. I spent the night on a friends couch, and the next day I moved into a residence.

when I told the landlord I was moving out he was unimpressed, since I had only live there a week. You can imagine.

"sorry dude, I'm moving into rez"

"what? Why"

"because you didn't tell me I would be living in a Spike Lee film"

"well fine. I will consider this your sixty days notice, and you will give another months rent. And the keys."

"excuse me...What? I had something crazy in my ears"

"you heard me"

"why would I give you money, I haven't signed a contract"

"well I was going to give you one"

"well you didn't. But to show you I'm reasonable, I will give you the money. However I'm keeping the keys, since I have [paid for three months. And let me tell you now, I will turn my room into party central. Everytime someone wants to get smashed, I will send them here. Everytime someone wants to fuck, I will send them here. Everytime a hobo needs a place to stay....That's right"

".....You have two hours to get out"

I'm much happier here. My roomie is cool, and all the people are great. On my first day, lots of people made a point of stopping in to say hi. And the best part is, its an international residence, so most of the people are from different parts of the world. I met a great girl from Whales, she is really fun and very interesting.

In other random news, I have decide to take a fencing class. No, I am not build a fence, I am fighting with swords. Its insane, but at least I will have a story to tell.

The gayness begins

2005-09-06T12:45:00.000-07:00

Fun times all around today!

We had this big event were all the first years ran around town raising money for charity. Now since my only skill is my voice, I sang for my supper. It was pretty amazing actually. Most people donated pennies, and I ended up with almost 200$. So I was impressed.

While we here running around, I hooked up with a bunch of people I really like. We all seemed to get along, and we spent four hours at the university just talking. This kind of set aside my fears about finding friends I liked, which is what I really needed. The ultimate test, however, will be if we hang out on the weekend, or when school is out.

The best part is, I more or less told them I was gay. I never did the corny "guys, I have something to tell you". Rather, I waited for the topic to come up in passing. Two of the girls were talking about how hot one of the guides was. I totally disagreed with them, so I told them they were nuts. So they asked me which of the male guides I thought has hot and I told them (I think he is completely gorgeous, but I settled for just saying he was a cutie. Baby steps). I think the message was loud and clear, but only time will tell.

I also met another student who I would say is also gay. We got talking about Rufus Wainwright, and Hedwig And the Angery Inch. Both of those are very popular among gay men, so who knows.

I'm going to an event put on by the University GLBT group in a few days. I'm excited to see if I know anyone there. It would be nice.

Off to bed I go, the water park awaits me!

I'm here, I'm queer, now lets get a beer.

2005-09-05T23:57:00.000-07:00

Hello once again! Did you think I had forgotten about you?

The truth is, I have been living it up in the new city. Me and my folks left on the 31st of august, and I was cut off from the internet for almost a week. Imagine how hard this was for me, the internet junkie to deal with; I almost didn't make it. After that I started frosh week at the university, and that has been keeping me rather busy.

So far I'm having an ok time. We started off with with faculty ice breakers, which were great fun. There are a lot of interesting people in my faculty, so its been fun getting to know them. We went to a football game, our team won, and then off for a night of partying in another province. It was great until they shut us down because some under age shits were drinking! I had just gotten a decent buzz, and I was considering a spin on the dance floor. But NO! We had to go home at 12 o clock! At least the bus ride back was fun. Forty of so drunk university student on one bus makes for a good time.

Today I arrived late for activities because my crappy alarm clock did not go off. But that's ok, because I got there in time for the best event... The Freudian race. Basically, all of the psych students had to run around off campus looking for things that were falic in nature. In other words, cock. Our team leader was great. He was overwhelmingly gay, so I liked him from the start. Not many in our group got into the spirit, so it was basically men and him looking for things. But we had a blast nonetheless.

After that we were off to opening ceremonies, and a rock concert. That was really boring, so I went home early.

I have to admit, I'm already a bit freaked. You see, our guides have spent the last two days telling how we will meet all of our lifelong friends during frosh week. So far I have gotten to know a lot of folks, but I wouldn't say I've made any life long friends. I really hit it off with one girl, but I still don't get the feeling we are "best buds". I really hope that I'm not trying too hard, but I've spent to many years alone to stay alone in university.

On Thursday I am going to Queer Cafe, so I'm hoping to meet some awesome gay students. It will be nice to get to know more people like me.

Anyway, since it is getting late and I have an early morning, I shall retire for the evening.

The Surprise

2005-08-27T23:58:00.000-07:00

No, I didn't find Jude Law naked in my bed (damn).

But I did get a wonderful surprise today, which made me feel just as good (in a non-sexual way). I thought that was going to spend the night at my nieces birthday party. I knew that she was turning 2 soon, but I'm bad with dates so I didn't realize that her birthday is actually tomorrow. When I got to my aunts house I found instead a big going away party thrown in my honor! I was thrilled! I had hoped to have a get together so I could say goodbye to everyone, but when everything started happening last minute I figured I wouldn't get the time. I was so glad to see all of my nieces and nephews before going. Only one is actually my nephew, the others are second cousins. But I love being called uncle so much that I took the title when they offered it to me. It's starting to sink in more that I'm leaving now. That I might never live with my folks again, and that if things go well I might not live near my family again. I can already tell that I'm heading for some major homesickness at some point. I may to busy and excited at first, but its going to happen.

The highlight of the evening was when I was given a beautiful album, which my sister and my cousin put together for me. Inside they had scrapbooked pictures of everyone in my family, and it was utterly perfect. Every time I look throughout it my heart swells and I feel so lucky to have this great group of people rooting for me. Not many people in my family have gone off to university, so this is a big deal.

The night was great! I couldn't''t have asked for anything greater.

I also got a letter from my friend Andrew today. He is a guy my age, who I have been corresponding with for quite some time. He was going through some hard times, and he posted a message on a forum for gay teens. I responded, and ever since then we have written back and forth. He's rather busy, and so he doesn't often get the chance to write me back. That just makes it more exciting when his letters finally do come. He says that I've helped him a lot during hard times, which makes me feel great. I know exactly what he's going through so it's nice to help him out when I can. I know that when you're still in the closet (which I am) its great just having someone you can speak to openly.

Kids birthday and shopping with Granny tomorrow... Pray for me.

A Frozen Face, And The Campus Queers

2005-08-26T17:45:00.000-07:00

Nothing great happened today. I went for my final visit to Dr. Babyface yesterday, and got my mouth frozen about a dozen times. It seems I'm resistant to novacain, so I felt quite a bit of pain while he finished the last of my dental work. Today my jaw hurt from him and his assistant working on me, and my Multiple injection sites sting like hell.

I finally got a letter back from the campus GLBT group at the new school. Its sounds like they do some neat things, and I'm interested in getting involved. As excited as I am, its going to be weird to be open with so many people. Although, since most of they will be gay too, I'm sure I will fine. I'm a little nervous about my roommates. They're both guys, and I've only spoken to one of them. We got along quite well, I'm just not sure how the whole gay thing is going to work. I don't want to open the door and say "hi I'm your new roomie! By the way, I'm a raging queen." but I would like to know if they are ok with it or not. Its a small campus, so I'm sure they'll find out eventually. Even if they don't like it, I'm not leaving. I figure if they have issues than they can be the ones to pack their bags.

Girl roommates would have been so much easier. Some stereotypes are true, and I feel much more comfortable around women. Some treat gays like a toy poodle, they say "I've always wanted a gay friend" like a five year old might say "I've always wanted a Tamagachi". I even know a girl who treats gay men like the ultimate fashion accessory. But at least you don't have to worry about them beating the shit out of you.

I got a few more things for the apartment, but I've holding back since my Granny still wants to take me shopping. The poor old gal has been feeling down in the dumps, so we put it off for a week. I love her and my mom completely, but if I escape with my sanity I will be surprised.

The Doctor, The Ghost , And The Farewell

2005-08-25T04:00:00.000-07:00

Oh wow, what a day. Its started when I rolled out of bed at 11:30, for my appointment with Dr. Hotness at 12:00. How shocked and embarrassed was I, when he took pictures of my teeth and put them on the TV screen? It looked like I had grown an entire civilization on my teeth!

"what the hell?" I inquired

"what's wrong?" Dr. Sex Kitten asked

"my teeth look like they belong in the mouth of a hobo! I'm going to sue the maker of my toothbrush!"

"oh no, that's quite normal. The back teeth are very hard to reach, and so they often look bad"

Now if I never brushed my teeth, this wouldn't shock me. Clearly if you don't care for you teeth they will rot, but I brush like a fanatic. But I'm glad to say that staring up at Dr. Dreamboat while he cleaned my teeth soothed me. And the best part of all is that my wisdom teeth need to come out. So when I get back from school on the Christmas holiday, I have painful dental surgery to look forward to. Merry Christmas indeed, I should be eating turkey from a blender.

After that I pulled myself away from Dr. Stud and went home to get ready for my friends farewell party. You see, since my friend is uber talented she is going to a very expensive music school in America. And since music conservatory are weird, she leaves a week before anyone else.

I decided that since it was such a nice day out, I would walk to my friend Vickys house (Vicky is a boy, and I'm not sure how he earned the nickname), pick him up, and then we would both walk to the party. But before I did this, I made two stupid decisions. One was volunteering to bring drink, and the other was to buy them before I left for Vicky. So now, I am force to walk all over the place carrying heavy bags. Smart move on my part.

It was then, while I was hauling my ass to vickys that I saw him again; The Ghost of Relationships Past. As usual, the second I saw him I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. My heart broke in two, and I just wanted to hide. He was only driving by, butnit was still like a thousand hot needles sticking in my flesh. The the thought hit me. I am never going to be free of him as long as I'm in this city. And how can I ever get past him, when I go through hell every time I see him? The sooner I escape this town the better. I need to leave all this crap behind me, and hopfully move on.

Luckily I forgot about him while I was at the party. I was afraid that since this was the last time we would all see each other until Christmas, that the night would be a downer. But thank the maker, everything was as great as always. I feel that it was the perfect way to say goodbye; all of us just hanging out, shooting the shit. It was as if nothing was going on.

My friend Gab has decided to come visit me in the new city, since her university is only an hour away. I think this will be great, but it could be tricky. You see, I'm planning to live life out of the closet at school, but I still don't want anyone from home to know. This will make it interesting when she visits. Either I will have to tell everyone around me the situation, or keep Gab from making contact with my new friends at school. I'll keep you posted on this.....

Finally, at three in the morning it was time to say goodbye. Miranda, the music student, has been my friend for all of my teenage years. She is like a sister to me. So saying goodbye was extra hard, and I made sure to give her a long hug. It was when I dropped Vicky off that things got emotional. Poor Vicky is a year younger than the rest of us, and so he will be staying behind. I get the feeling that Vicky is a loner at school which means the next year will be very hard for him. He was so upset when I hugged him goodbye, that it broke my heart. He is such a sweet guy, and although I've only known him a short time, I feel really close to him. I think perhaps I see a lot of myself in Vicky, since I know what its like to be desperately alone. Just watching him fight back tears made me remember all the time I have spent by myself, and there was nothing I could do to make it better for him.

Well, I am very sad now. I have said goodbye to my friends, and next I will be sating goodbye to my family. I'm not sure how that's going to go. I'm very close to my family, and not seeing my nephew for a few months is going to be brutal. However, if my repeated encounters with the ghost have proved anything to me, its that I need to leave this place in order to be happy.

I'm more resolved now than ever.

A Teeth Grinding Good Time

2005-08-22T17:35:00.000-07:00

Oy!

I got up at the crack of dawn today for a dentist appointment. It seems that I am so stressed, thanks to work and school, that I'm grinding my teeth at night. I woke up about a week ago and I was missing a huge chunk from one of my bottom teeth. But since I was so busy I had to spend a week with a jagged tooth poking me every five minutes. At least I got the amusement of filling out medical forms.

Do you have any artificial limbs?

no

Do you now, or have you ever, had an STD?

No, my genetailia are as fresh as flowers

Are you pregnant?

No, thank god (what would my mother say)

The scariest part of all, came when I met the doctor. Now I'm usually the first person to get pissed when someone judges another based on age, but this guy made Doogie Houser look like a Senior Resident. Thankfully he was quite good looking, so I was very relaxed during the procedure. I think I'm going to send a letter to the Canadian Dental Association, urging them to change their regulation so that only gorgeous people can be dentists. I mean lets face it, if everyone got to spend an hour looking up at Dr. Hunky Twelve Year Old like I did, no one would ever fear the dentists chair. Canadians would have the cleanest teeth in the world! But I digress...

So Dr. Beautiful informed me that in order to fix my stress chipped teeth, he would have to grind them down further to rebuild them. Sounds like fun, I know. He also added that he didn't think I would need to be frozen, which was a great relief since I would rather die than be seen drooling like a turd in front of a fine specimen like the good doctor.

So long story short, I still have teeth and I booked an appointment to have my teeth cleaned on Wednesday. One last look before I go...

*Note*
tomorrow I am going shopping with my mother AND my grandmother. So if I stop posting, you can look for me at the nearest asylum. I will be the one trying to burst my eardrums with a pencil.

A long week

2005-08-21T01:13:00.000-07:00

Well its been about a week or so since I last posted a message. I've been working for a summer theater camp for kids, and this week was show week. And lucky me, since I have a passing knowledge of "techie" stuff, I spent the week running up and down catwalks, setting lights, hanging microphones and pulling my hair out. Don't get me wrong, I loved the group and I love the theater, but I would rather be on stage than behind it. The good news is I made some half decent money from it, which I will need once I get to the new city. Tonight was our last show, and I just got back from the cast party which was... Interesting. You see, a lot of the other counselors are friends outside of work, and so they have formed their own little click. So I've spent the last week feeling out of place. Sure I have my friends there, but it would be nice to fit in with everybody. I really hope university is different.

There was also this guy there, who i'm sure is gay. He's actually kind of cute, in a weird sort of way, and I think he's been giving me subtle hints that he's gay. But since I'm still a denizen (I love that word) of the closet, there wasn't much I could do about. I did however send him signals back, I hoped he would get the message. If he did, he didn't say anything.

When I wasn't busting my butt at camp, I was trying to finds a place to live. I had a few sweet places lined up, but they all feel through. I was really starting to get panicked, when I found an ad for a 17th floor apartment, five minutes away from campus. I called the lease holder, expecting him to tell me it was no longer available. To my great surprise it was still free. So I spoke to him for quite a while, since he wanted to get to know all of the applicants since he would be living there too, and he wanted to be a good fit with his future roommate. I thought the conversation when really well, and he told me I was at the top of the list. However, others had told me this before, and I got turned down by all of them. So I spent an agonizing three day, waiting for him to call me back and tell me his decision.

Finally he called me back, and (thank god) I got the place. But even better, I got the master bedroom which is huge, and has its own bathroom. Its also the corner apartment, so we have a balcony that spans both sides of our home.

I'm really excited about the place, and now that I'm done work I can start getting excited about school.

*Note*
I'm pleased to announce that my blog has been added to the list of gay related Blogs on Chadzboyz.com. This is a great site for gay youths, that has tons of information for gay men and women. It also has a excellent forum, in which no question is taboo. You can find it in my links section.

Ghosts and Ugly Towels

2005-08-13T23:45:00.000-07:00

Well today I had a semi-productive day. After getting up early to cut lawns, my mom and I decided to go shopping for some of the things I will need in the new city. Now, being gay and 19 I absolutely love to shop, even if its for plates and laundry hampers. First item on the list, new bedding. Why is it that every bed set in the world was designed for an old lady? Unless you are willing to spend 190$ on bedding (i'm not) you are left with three options; flowers (i'm not that gay), safari animals or frilly lace patterns. The youngest pattern I found was a blue camouflage comforter for a queen sized bed, but since I'm not a hillbilly and don't plan to marry my cousin, this was not an option.

So it was decided that we would move on to dinner plates. Now let me make one thing clear... I am interested in what's on my plate, and not the plate itself. So I asked that we start our search at the local Dollerama. For those of you how have never heard of these stores, let me bring you into the light. Dollerama is by far the best store on earth! Anything from candy, to decorations, to (you guessed it) dinner plates are available at the low low price of one dollar an item. The best part is that Dollarama is the size of an airplane hangar, so you have a large degree of selection. And since most of their merchandise is surplus from other stores its actually pretty good. Upon arriving I was reminded of another reason I like the store. Its August and they already have two lanes set up with Halloween decorations. This cemented my belief that if god were a bargain shopper, this is the store he would come to. But I digress...

I found exactly what I was looking for, plain non-plastic dinner plates, bowls, and cups. It was then that I remembered why I don't bargain shop with my mother.

"eeew, you can't buy that! They probably got it from some hobo of the street"

"but mom they're cheap, and they're all I need. No frills"

"look at them, they're dirty!"

"that's because they've probably sat in a warehouse for a while"

"or because they're hobo plates!"

"whatever, lets go to Zehrs"

So after a day of my mom and I bitching at one another (which is actually our way of having fun) I had managed to pick up some plates (nice blue ones that cost 2$ each), a new pillow, socks, cups, bowls, an alarm clock, a fan and the ugliest towels I have ever seen. They're a shade of blue that I think Hitler secretly developed to fight the allies, and they sport a lovely checkered pattern. But they were made of good material, they cost 2$, and I'm going to dry my ass with them, so they don't need to be a trend setter. It was at this time that we decided to pick up my dad, and go for a well deserved dinner. When we arrived at the restaurant I saw him... The Ghost of relationships past. In other words, my former best friend whom I loved more than life itself, and who tossed me aside despite the fact that he loved me too. You see his father was rather homophobic, and so he could never be true to himself or me. So when he became aware of my feelings he got scared and stopped calling me. It broke my heart, and nearly killed me. But the best part is that he seems to pop up everything I manage to forget about him. He even made an appearance at a summer camp I went to a few years ago, which left me stunned for the rest of the week. It seems he knew one of the counselors from university, and popped down to pay him a visit.

So as we pulled up my father said "is that so-and-so" and I said "yes, yes it is" but what I was thinking was "oh my god, I can't face him today, why can't I get away from him". My dad (who only knows that we were friends, and that it ended badly) asked if I wanted to pull away. Yes, yes I did. I wanted to crawl under the earth and hide for all eternity. But luckily I'm too proud for that. I got out of the car, held my head up and calmly walked to the restaurant. I realized that I'm not scared of Ghosts, and I'm certainly not scared of men who are to chicken shit to be themselves.

I still feel terrible, as I do every time I see him (or think I see him), but I'm glad I didn't run.

Another Day Wasted

2005-08-12T00:30:00.000-07:00

Lets go over my agenda for today, shall we?

1. Pick university courses
2. Finalize living situation in the new city
3. Buy cell phone

Three fairly simple Tasks if you ask me, but can you guess how many I got done? That's right...none!

The day started as usual; I got up, answered natures call, let the dog out and went to my computer. I open my e-mail and what do I find? Still no answer from the woman I am supposed to be living with for the next ten months. Now I understand that you and I are still getting acquainted, so you have yet to discover that I plan things outrageously early. For example, its august and I'm already planning my Halloween costume. I'm also considering what to buy my nephew for Christmas. So you can see why not knowing where I shall live a month before school starts drives me completely insane! It's a character flaw I'm sure, but nonetheless I like to see things coming. Anyway, I have found a nice place with a big bedroom and a fireplace (how many university students get a fireplace?), not to mention its only five minute away from the U. The problem comes from the fact that the woman renting the apartment takes an excruciatingly long time to reply to my letters. So I was left with no other alternative, than to start my day and hope she wrote back.

So after a quick bite, and a lengthy shower, I was off to the mall to buy a cell phone. Actually installing a phone in my new place would cost a bomb, and I wouldn't even get the freedom of mobility, or the status symbol of the cell. So I began my search at Bell World. After an agonizing 2 hours in the store, I decide that a name change was in order. What once was Bell, now is Hell. It took me no less than thirty minutes to flag down a staffer, who by the looks of her, was hired in a trailer park. But being the polite young man that I am, I kept my cool. "I'm going off to university, and I need the cheapest phone you have" I politely asked Miss Muddy Mae Suggens. "well that all depends on what you want" she tells me. So for the next 45 minutes, she meticulously details what each and every phone on the rack does. Then, she went on to explain the "Phone Plans" that, in my opinion, would baffle Albert Einstein. By the time I had firmly tuned the woman out, the manager felt it was time to inform Muddy Mae that all of their Phone Plans had been changed. Yet another half hour later, and this is the deal I was offered. After they get the chance to inspect my drivers license, social security, and credit card (I'm sure the urine sample was next) they decide whether or not I am worthy to carry a cell phone. Then, I can sign my life away, pay them 150$ for a phone and 30$ (which became 95$ after all the "little fees) for my plan. After that I am stuck with a phone that will probably become obsolete by tomorrow, for the next three years . If I choose to cancel my service, I must still pay them 95$ a month for a phone I can't use. So I told the devil manager and Muddy Mae that I would think about it, code for "are you fucking kidding me!", and like Dante before me I got my ass out of Hell World, never to return again.

After that, I made the mistake of going out with my mother and sister. It is my belief that my female relatives live in some alternate dimension, where 2 hours become ten. Lunch becomes shopping (even though they never buy), and then shopping become dinner at my sisters.

Fast forward. It's now 12:30 AM, I have checked my e-mail a thousand times (no reply) and since I haven't been home, I have yet to pick my courses. It's been the longest day of my life, and I accomplished absolutely DICK ALL!

The inaugural Post

2005-08-11T00:48:00.000-07:00

So what can I say?

It's time for this closet dweller to take his first steps out into the sunlight. I'm thrilled, I'm elated and mostly I'm scared shitless. Lets face it, when one spends his life in the comfort of and 3 by 4 cell of conformity, freedom can be rather intimidating. Nonetheless it is my firm belief that with freedom comes sanity, and that there is only room for one in the closet. If I ever want to escape the loneliness that befalls all gay youths I must face my fears, and become the man I want to be.

And so I decided that when I arrived for my very first year of university, I would do so as an openly gay man. I will shed off the mask I have worn for so long, and live out in the open. My friends and family back home will remain in the dark for now, but anyone who comes to know me a school will also know that I am gay. I will seek out others like me, join the universities GLBT club and learn what it means to live my life out of the closet. Then, when I am ready I can come home and finaly put an end to the lie that I have lived for so long.

And now the 24,000,000 question: Why am I telling you this?

It is my intent to document the journey I'm about to take, and share it with all of you. It is my hope that others who are still trapped in the closet may gain some insight, learn from my mistakes, or (most important of all) realize that they are not alone. I am also doing this for myself. I hope that writing down these experiences will allow me to gain new insights into myself. I'm also hopefully that your feedback will give me new perspectives that I didn't have before.

Before I begin, I will note that this blog will not just be about my "gayness" but about me discovering myself as an individual. I have been raised in a very small town, and I'm sure moving to the big city will allow me countless opportunities to do this. I'm gay, but that's not all that I am. Keep that in mind.

I'm not sure how everything will work out, but I know that I am ready to begin.